Name Only

Not only that you need a e-mail too

Help

Asking Help from a Laptop

Coffee Machine

Screensaver Aquarium

Perhaps try Fishville

Two buttoned Mouse

Mailing List

May I borrow your laptop?

Wells, I use Gmail instead of Hotmail

What your address?

Ah Beng - Bet you he won't jump

One day, Ah Beng when to a a bar. As he was watching the television the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the guy next to Ah Beng. "Bet you $10 he won't," said Ah Beng.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. Ah Beng hand out his money to the guy next to him. "You win"

"I can't take your money," said the guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said Ah Beng. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

Pizza Delivery

Blonde flight to Melbourne

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her Ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!

Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use.

And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!'

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry; I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

Credit Card

Do worry about Credit Card? It will be taxed. But worried about Debit Card

Stamp

Our great leader wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. So, he instructed his people, stressing that it should be of international quality.

The stamps were duly released and he was pleased.

But within a few days of release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious.

He called the people responsible and ordered them to investigate the matter. They checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported the problem to the politician.

The report said, "There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side."

Human Resource Manager

Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..." and with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told, "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Polish's English

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed to a lawyer's office and tells the lawyer to prepare a divorce.

Lawyer: Have you any grounds for divorce?

Polish man: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

Lawyer: No. I mean, what is the foundation of this case?

Polish man.: It is made of concrete.

Lawyer: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

Polish man: Garage? No, we have carport, and not need one.

Lawyer: I mean, what are your relations like?

Polish man: All my relations still in Poland.

Lawyer: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

Polish man: We have hi-fidelity and good DVD player.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?

Polish man: No, I always up before her.

Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?

Polish man: No, she white.

Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?

Polish man: She going to kill me!

Lawyer: What makes you think that?

Polish man: I got proof.

Lawyer: What kind of proof?

Polish man: She going to poison me. She buys a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it says: “Polish Remover”.

Curtain for Window

A blonde goes into a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns,but the blonde seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches??", asked the salesman, "that sounds very small. What room are they for?" The blonde says, "Oh, they are not for any room - they are for my computer monitor."

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains."

The blonde says, " Hellooooooooo - I've got Windows."

Depressed Man's Drink

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He sat there for more than half an hour, very depressed. Then, a big bully truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Odd Excuses

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Bridge to Luxury

Once upon a time an Malaysian Indian minister was on a tour to France and his French counterpart invited him for a dinner. When the Malaysian minister arrived at the latter's residence, he was astonished to see that the latter was living in a very grand and luxurious bungalow and they had dinner in silver spoons and plates and all his bungalow were filled of precious antiques and other articles. He can not hold himself back and asked the French minister the reason for him living in such a grand style. On asking the French minister took him to a window.

French Minister : Do you see the river over there ?

Malaysian Minister : Yes.

French Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?

Malaysian Minister : Yes.

French Minister : 10%.

Two years later the French minister was invited to visit Malaysia and now it was the turn of the Malaysian minister to invite him for a dinner. When the French minister arrived at the Malaysian minister's residence, he was stunned to see that the latter was living in a palace like house and they had dinner in golden spoons and plates and he had hundreds of servants and all his bungalow were filled of jewelries and costliest furniture, antiques and other articles. Now it was his turn to ask, "Dear friend how could you afford to live such a grand style?"

The Malaysian minister took him to a window.

Malaysian Minister : Do you see the river over there ?

French Minister : Yes.

Malaysian Minister : Do you see the bridge over it ?

French Minister : No.

Malaysian Minister : 100 %.

Little Mary Margaret

Little Mary Margaret usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary again, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary.

And the Nun once again said, "Very good," and little while later, Mary fell back asleep.

The Nun came back again for a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted:

"If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!"

The nun fainted.